Because Election Season Politics Sucks More than Candy Corn

And Candy Corn is Satan’s candy. Seriously. Do people still even eat them? I’m a festive person, so the election, politics, and anything remotely related to Liberals and Conservatives are thrown into the cauldron for today. You’re probably thinking “Thank God.” Hahaha

I dress up every year for work. 🙂 And for the three kids that show up at my door. That’s not hyperbole. I had three trick-or-treaters last year. 😦 I remember as a kid trick-or-treaters would invade the neighborhood. We’d get knocks past 10:00 PM!

Do you still dress up? If so, what is your costume? I decided to be a vampirette this year.I didn’t have my teeth in because the putty didn’t form a tight enough bond. So, I bought a new set on the way to work.

If you don’t dress up (and is applicable), what are your kids’ costumes? Do you get a lot of trick-or-treaters?

Happy Halloween!

Totally Twisted Quote Tuesday 10/30/12

“Sandy, I Wonder Why-y-y”

Every time I see coverage of the storm, this song pops in my head. I spoke to a good friend who lives in central Jersey. She said they’re expecting it to be worse than last year with Hurricane Irene. She had no power at her house for a week! She’s “sheltering-in-place” now and praying the trees don’t fall down on to the house.

So to east coast family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers in the low-lying coastal areas. I hope you’ve heeded the evacuation warning. If not, there is still time. Please pack it up and go. The storm looks massive. Better safe than sorry, yadda. Take care, and be safe everyone!!

Happy Friday Funnies 10/26/12

I can’t wait until tonight at 6:00 PM when I’m sitting on the couch eating Jollibee fried chicken and watching Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids. 😆 Friday nights are the best! Have a fun weekend everyone!

The Enigmatic “Undecideds” of the Election

Lobotero at Opus Civis cracked me up with his post on the final debate: The Poka in Boca – Prez Debate #3. His last paragraph made me think – after I stopped laughing:

Once again, it was the optics that made your decision on who won……..and of course they, meaning the media, has assembled “undecideds”…..and once again it was all theater….if there are any “undecideds” at this point then them are just looking for some attention….but if they are truly “undecided” then just make sure that they have a coin in their pocket on election……. and for God sake….Do NOT ask them if they prefer paper or plastic!

I don’t think there are “undecideds” left. I think those who intend to vote already have their choice. Or write-in. 😉 @ the Ron Paul followers or those so disgusted with and/or cynical about politics that they’ll write-in “Snoopy.”

The media mentions these “undecideds,” though. I don’t know any. The ones I know – family, friends, coworkers – have already made up their minds. Mama already voted for Romney, via absentee ballot. I’m sure Papa will vote for Romney as well -probably on Election Day. My sister, a Moderate, will vote for Obama. Those on Facebook…some fiercely support Obama. Some support Romney with equal ferocity. The rest?

The rest I know online and in real life don’t give a flying Fig Newton about politics. Hell, I don’t know if they’ll even vote. If they do, I’m sure they know who they want by now. They just don’t care enough about politics to discuss it.

Thoughts? Do you know any “undecideds?”

Mitt Romney and My Crack-Like Addiction to Politics

I’m trying to unspin my head tonight. I don’t know what it is about politics. I was waiting for my partner at the dentist office. I told myself, “no more politics” as I perused his magazines. Most were Time magazines, and I focused on finding the rag that would keep my mind off of the election. Us Weekly with “Housewives tell Us Teresa’s Dirty Secrets” splashed on the cover. Perfect. The Real Housewives of New Jersey is my guiltless pleasure. I read the article happily, which of course didn’t take long. I looked for other Us issues after I was done flipping through the pages filled with fashion and celebrities. It was welcome fun and fluff.

And then there it was. Greed and Debt: The True Story of Mitt Romney and Bain Capital on the cover of Rolling Stones magazine. Like a true junkie, I just had to pick it up and read it. I wasn’t able to finish it because my partner was done, so what do I do when I get home? Before eating dinner, I find the article online and read the rest of it. Where is the nearest Politics Anonymous meeting?

The author, Matt Taibbi, talks about what Bain Capital was all about – taking over companies were struggling. What “happened” to the companies wasn’t their concern. They could go bankrupt, and Bain Capital would still get paid. All that was a given and not surprising.

What shocked me, though, was how good a guy Mitt’s dad was. The article touched on it briefly, saying how George Romney was one who “nurtured communities.” I did a little research on George Romney on Wikipedia. He was nothing like his son.

• “Romney successfully appealed to the Federal Housing Administration to make housing available to black workers near the Ford Willow Run plant.”
• “By 1950, Romney was a member of the Citizens Housing and Planning Council, and criticized racial segregation in Detroit’s housing program when speaking before the Detroit City Council.”
• “However, whenever he felt his salary and bonus was excessively high for a year, he gave the excess back to the company.” I nearly choked reading this one.
• “After initial wariness, he developed a good relationship with United Automobile Workers leader Walter Reuther, and AMC workers also benefited from a then-novel profit-sharing plan”.
• “Romney was one of only a few Michigan corporate chiefs to support passage and implementation of the state Fair Employment Practices Act”.

After snapping out of my crush on George Romney, my first question was, “What the hell happened to Mitt?” My sister and I talked about this before. Mitt suffers from “spoiled rich kid” disease. Everything was handed to him, unlike his dad who struggled. That makes sense. It’s hard for Mitt to sympathize, and empathy isn’t even possible because doesn’t know what it’s like. That’s why he says things like, “Borrow money if you have to from your parents” when he talks to college students. I don’t think the idea that their parents don’t have the money to lend crossed his mind.

Of course, the article also gives me more insight into Mitt, the man.

“Over the years, colleagues would anonymously whisper stories about Mitt the Boss to the press, describing him as cunning, manipulative and a little bit nuts, with “an ability to identify people’s insecurities and exploit them for his own benefit.” One former Bain employee said that Romney would screw around with bonuses in small amounts, just to mess with people: He would give $3 million to one, $3.1 million to another and $2.9 million to a third, just to keep those below him on edge.”

Another great quality to have in a president. Screwing people…and screwing with people’s heads…just because he can.

This is just great It’s two weeks from the election, but it’s going to feel like the longest two weeks ever. I’ll be on pins and needles, just like in 2008.

Frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of lying jerks (yeah I said it) like Mitt Romney taking up space in my head. I’m tired of being scared that a high school bully (who never grew out of it) might become the President of the United States. I’m tired of learning new, repugnant things about him that make me loathe him more. I’m just tired.

In two weeks, I can exhale. Until then, I’ll be mentally marking the days off the calendar and unspinning my head here. It’s going to get messy.

Totally Twisted Quote Tuesday 10/23/12

Third Presidential Debate 2012: Foreign Policy

What a crazy day. First day back from vacation and staring at me was the inbox from the seventh level of hell. Then, I attended a wake for my partner’s relative. While drinking a Blue Moon Wheat Ale and eating pepperoni pizza, I watched the debate. I swear to God. I don’t think it was the beer, but Romney changed his positions again. I swear that guy must be 3/4 chameleon. Anyway, for those who did other more productive and/or fun things than watch the debate, I offer you the summary.

The first question, and it concerns Libya. The controversy over what happened there continues. Four Americans are dead, including an American ambassador. Questions remain. What happened? What caused it? Was it spontaneous? Was it an intelligence failure? Was it a policy failure? Was there an attempt to mislead people about what really happened?Governor Romney, you said this was an example of an American policy in the Middle East that is unraveling before our very eyes. I’d like to hear each of you give your thoughts on that. Governor Romney, you won the toss. You go first.

Romney:
Arab Spring. More like Arab Winter…of our discontent. We championed for their democracy and as a thank you, Egypt elects the Muslim Brotherhood. What do you mean a democracy is being able to vote for whoever you want?

Obama:
Bin Laden is dead. The war in Iraq is over, and we’re transitioning out of Afghanistan. Thanks for the kudos on Bin Laden, Mittens, but “your strategy previously has been one that has been all over the map.”

Romney:
My strategy is to go after the bad guys. How can we reject these terrorists?

• More economic development. Foreign aid should be coordinated in such a way that “we push back and give them more economic development.” I know that doesn’t make sense, but I have throw in the economy somehow.
• Better education. For them. Not us.
• Gender equality. For there. Not here.
• The rule of law. We have to help sovereign nations create “civil societies,” even though they didn’t ask.

Obama
It’s cool that you finally see Al Qaeda as the threat. A few months ago, you said Russia was our biggest threat. “They’re now calling to ask for their foreign policy back because, you know, the Cold War’s been over for 20 years.” You say we should not have another Iraq, but just three weeks ago you said we should have more troops there. You said there shouldn’t be a timeline in Afghanistan. Now you’re saying we should. Dude, who are you? Or more importantly, who am I talking to right now?

Romney
That’s for me to know and you to figure out as we go along. I’m not going to look at Russia with rose colored glasses. And Iraq? We agreed on a status of forces agreement. No I didn’t want more troops. I know that is directly opposite of what I just said two seconds ago.

Obama
As commander in chief, I learned that you have to be clear about where you are and what you mean. You can’t change your position like you change the setting on your spray tan gun.

Let me interject the second topic question in this segment about the Middle East and so on, and that is, you both mentioned — alluded to this, and that is Syria.The war in Syria has now spilled over into Lebanon. We have, what, more than 100 people that were killed there in a bomb. There were demonstrations there, eight people dead. Mr. President, it’s been more than a year since you saw — you told Assad he had to go. Since then, 30,000 Syrians have died. We’ve had 300,000 refugees. The war goes on. He’s still there. Should we reassess our policy and see if we can find a better way to influence events there? Or is that even possible?

Obama
Here’s the deal. We said Assad has to go, imposed sanctions, and provided humanitarian aid. We have to be super careful that we know exactly who we’re helping, opposition wise. They could turn on us.

Romney
We can’t just let the “UN deal with it.” We should take a leadership role. We can’t be involved on the ground militarily, but we can arm the opposition.

Obama
Um, taking the leadership role is exactly what we’re doing. We have to be careful and thoughtful when we act like in Libya. That’s why the Libyans are with us.

Governor, can I just ask you, would you go beyond what the administration would do, like for example, would you put in no-fly zones over Syria?

Romney
We should take a leading role, not militarily, but organizationally.

Obama
Do you know why Romney doesn’t have any different ideas? Because he knows what we’re doing right now is the right thing to promote a moderate Syria.

May I ask you, you know, during the Egyptian turmoil, there came a point when you said it was time for President Mubarak to go. Some in your administration thought perhaps we should have waited a while on that. Do you have any regrets about that?

Obama
Nope. We weren’t about to let Tahrir Square turn into Tiannamen Square.

Governor Romney, I want to hear your response to that, but I would just ask you, would you have stuck with Mubarak?

Romney
Nope. “I supported his action there.” Take a deep breath, Conservatives. The deal was I could say anything to get elected.

What do each of you see as our role in the world, and I believe, Governor Romney, it’s your chance to go first.

Romney
We have a responsibility to defend freedom and the principles that make the world more peaceful like “human rights, human dignity, free enterprise, freedom of expression, elections.” To do that, America has to be strong. Not sucking like it does now with so many people out of work thanks to this guy.

Obama
“America remains the one indispensable nation.” We are stronger now than when I first got into office. We’re rebuilding. Romney proposed “wrong and reckless policies,” and he’ll take us right back to what got us in this mess in the first place.

Romney
I will create 12 million new jobs based on my 5 point plan. I’m just going to go over it again for the 3 people who haven’t heard it yet.

Obama
To be competitive in the 21st century, we need a strong education policy. Romney told teachers that reduced class sizes don’t matter and wants to slash education.

Romney
Republicans and Democrats came together and worked on getting the best teachers in the classrooms.

Obama
Ten years before you became governor

Romney
And my state was #1 in education.

Obama
Then you slashed education spending.

Governor, you say you want a bigger military. You want a bigger Navy. You don’t want to cut defense spending. What I want to ask you — we were talking about financial problems in this country. Where are you going to get the money?

Romney
Come check out our website, where we show that the money is available. Unlike in the real world. But I will let you in on our secret weapon in getting the money. Repealing Obamacare.

Obama
Any fourth grader in MA can show you the math doesn’t work. Our plan does. And we don’t have mysterious closed loopholes and deductions upon which this budget depends.

Romney
Budgets? I can balance them. I did it in business, in MA, and I will definitely be president so I can balance this nation’s budget. You couldn’t balance a budget if your life depended on it. On military spending, I’m not going to cut the budget by a trillion dollars like you will. Our Navy is smaller than it was in 1916, and we need more ships.

Obama
We have fewer ships than in 1916, and we have fewer horses and bayonets. “We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines.” Oh and we’ve been to your website. The math doesn’t work there either.

Would either of you — and you’ll have two minutes — and, President Obama, you have the first go at this one — would either of you be willing to declare that an attack on Israel is an attack on the United States, which, of course, is the same promise that we give to our close allies like Japan. And if you made such a declaration, would not that deter Iran? It’s certainly deterred the Soviet Union for a long, long time when we made that — we made — we made that promise to our allies.

Obama
“I will stand with Israel if they are attacked.” The sanctions against Iran are working. Trigger happy over here doesn’t realize that sending our troops in harm’s way is “the last resort, not the first resort.”

Romney
I’ll tighten those sanctions and nail Ahmadinejad’s ass to the wall under the Genocide Convention

Let me ask both of you, there — as you know, there are reports that Iran and the United States a part of an international group, have agreed in principle to talks about Iran’s nuclear program. What is the deal, if there are such talks? What is the deal that you would accept, Mr. President?

Obama
All this talk about a “deal” is not true. The only deal is for Iran to abide by the rules established and convince the world that they’re not pursuing a nuclear program. And the clock is ticking.

Romney
Iran sees us as weak because Obama goes on this apology tour through the Middle East at the beginning of his presidency.

Obama
Back up with that “apology tour” thing. Wasn’t true then or now. Iran is at its weakest point now.

Romney
We’re 4 years closer to a nuclear Iran. And it was an apology tour because you said that America had been “dismissive and derisive,” and we had “dictated” to other nations. Oh and on that tour you forgot to drop in and say HI to Israel.

Obama
When I went to Israel as a candidate, I didn’t bring donors. And who has credibility in the region? It certainly isn’t you.

What if — what if the prime minister of Israel called you on the phone and said, “Our bombers are on the way. We’re going to bomb Iran.” What do you —

Romney
Ain’t gonna happen. So I’m going to tell you how Obama sucks when it comes to foreign policy.

Obama
“Governor, the problem is, is that on a whole range of issues, whether it’s the Middle East, whether it’s Afghanistan, whether it’s Iraq, whether it’s now Iran, you’ve been all over the map.” You said that we should’ve asked Pakistan’s permission to get Bin Laden. We wouldn’t have gotten him if we did that. I make the decisions needed to keep America safe. And everyone knows it.

The United States is scheduled to turn over responsibility for security in Afghanistan to the Afghan government in 2014. At that point, we will withdraw our combat troops, leave a smaller force of Americans, if I understand our policy, in Afghanistan for training purposes. It seems to me the key question here is: What do you do if the deadline arrives and it is obvious the Afghans are unable to handle their security? Do we still leave? And I believe, Governor Romney, you go first?

Romney
“When” I’m president, I’ll make sure the troops will be out at the end of 2014. I hope you don’t remember that I said the exact opposite before. And with Pakistan, we only give them money if they do stuff for us in a tangible way.

Obama
We’ll be done with Afghanistan in 2014…as I’ve said all along. Time to build up our nation.

General Allen, our commander in Afghanistan, says that Americans continue to die at the hands of groups who are supported by Pakistan. We know that Pakistan has arrested the doctor who helped us catch Obama (sic) bin Laden. It still provides safe haven for terrorists, yet we continue to give Pakistan billions of dollars. Is it time for us to divorce Pakistan?

Romney
Divorce? It’s cheaper to keep her. We’re not talking about Ann? Oh Pakistan, yeah. No we can’t divorce them because they have nuclear weapons, house the Taliban, and are sort of our allies.

Let — let me ask you, Governor because we know President Obama’s position on this, what is — what is your position on the use of drones?

Romney
Drones are the best. Good job Mr. President. On that. On other things like Israel-Palestine and al-Qaeda? You still suck.

Obama
Attitudes about America are changing for the better. We have to remain vigilant on terrorist activities, though. And al Qaeda is weaker than when I first came into office.

Let’s — let’s go to the next segment, because it’s a very important one. It is the rise of China and future challenges for America. I want to just begin this by asking both of you, and Mr. President, you — you go first this time. What do you believe is the greatest future threat to the national security of this country?

Obama
Terrorism. But with China – they’re an adversary but if they play by the rules, they can be a partner. We’ve gone after them for violating trade rules. And won.

Romney
They’re currency manipulators. They steal our intellectual property.They hack into our computers. They counterfeit our goods. Basically, they suck.

Well, Governor, let me just ask you. If you declare them a currency manipulator on day one, some people are — say you’re just going to start a trade war with China on day one. Is that — isn’t there a risk that that could happen?

Romney
Considering all of their dollar store crap we buy, the last thing they want is a trade war. They can be our partner, but they can’t steal our jobs unfairly.

Obama
You know all about “jobs being shipped overseas because you invested in companies that were shipping jobs overseas.” I bet on us. You would’ve let the auto industry go to hell.

Romney
I was born in Detroit. My father was the head of a car company. I love American cars. and the little people who make them for me. I wouldn’t have “liquidated the industry.”

Obama
That’s exactly what you would have done. Let them go bankrupt with no plan to help them rebuild. In order to be competitive, we have to make smart choices. Cutting education and investments in research and technology? Not smart. We can’t go back to the policies that got us into the mess we’ve dealt with. We have to move forward and not go back.

Romney
We can’t go back to the policies of the past four years. Your policies suck and here are all the statistics that say why. You should be able to recite them by now because I’ve all but tattooed them on to your brains.

Gentlemen, thank you so much for a very vigorous debate. We have come to the end. It is time for closing statements

Obama
You’ve heard seen 3 debates, too many political commercials (my apologies to Ohio, especially). Now it’s time to choose. Keep making the strides with me or go back to the policies that brought us to the brink with him. I will fight for you and your families. We always bounce back because of our character.

Romney
With me, you get real leadership. With him, we’ll turn into Greece. Vote for me, and it’s baseball and apple pie forever. Vote for him, and it’s that girly ass soccer and baklava. No one wants that. With your help, I’ll keep America American.

Happy Friday Funnies 10/19/12

Fridays are the best, even when you’re on vacation. Have a great weekend, everyone! 🙂

Second Presidential Debate 2012: Town Hall

I was en route to Oakland when the debate started. As I deplaned, I saw the debate on the monitors at the gates and bars. A lot of people were tuning in. I tried watching it on my netbook at baggage claim, but I think everyone and their mother were watching it online, and the connection was choppy. Mama and my 8-year-old niece Juliana picked me up from the airport, and I asked if we could listen to the debate on the radio. Juliana said, “Mama voted for Romney.” “I’m sure she did,” I told Juliana. I think I’d be shocked if she didn’t vote for him. I only caught bits and pieces, so I decided to just chill the rest of the night and watch it in its entirety this morning.

For those not on airplanes or in airports actually trying to watch it (the ones with lives), I give you the summary.

Question: Mr. President, Governor Romney, as a 20-year-old college student, all I hear from professors, neighbors and others is that when I graduate, I will have little chance to get employment. What can you say to reassure me, but more importantly my parents, that I will be able to sufficiently support myself after I graduate?

Romney
We have to make it easier for kids to afford college and that there are jobs after they graduate. I have what it takes to create jobs. So when you graduate in 2014, and I’m king. I mean, president, I will make sure you have one.

Obama
Good decision about investing in your education. We will build on the 5 million private sector jobs that were created in the last 30 years. We’re going to make sure these get done to make your future bright:

• Manufacturing jobs in the US again. Mr. Vulture Capitalist over here said he’d let the auto industry implode. I didn’t, and we are seeing a resurgence.
• Create the best education system in the world
• Energy independence with focus placed on clean energy like wind and solar
• Reduce our deficit in a balanced way.
• Taking the money we have from ending the wars to rebuild this country.

Let me ask you for more immediate answer and begin with Mr. Romney just quickly what — what can you do? We’re looking at a situation where 40 percent of the unemployed have been unemployed have been unemployed for six months or more. They don’t have the two years that Jeremy has.

Romney
23 million are struggling to find a job. Fewer people are working than when he became president. My plan will create 12 million new jobs and higher take home pay. So you don’t ask me the specifics, I will talk about the auto industry bailout. You accuse me of wanting them to go bankrupt but when you took office, you actually let them go bankrupt. Would that make you the bankrupter-in-chief? I don’t think that’s a word, but anyway I suggested they seek bankruptcy protection so they could rebuild.

Obama
Liar. You would have led them to bankruptcy without making sure there was a plan to stay open. We would have lost a million jobs. Oh and that five point plan is really a one point plan. “That plan is to make sure that folks at the top play by a different set of rules.” Basically, he wants to use the same policies that got us in this mess 4 years ago.

Your energy secretary, Steven Chu, has now been on record three times stating it’s not policy of his department to help lower gas prices. Do you agree with Secretary Chu that this is not the job of the Energy Department?

Obama
We have to control our own energy. “We have increased oil production to the highest levels in 16 years. Natural gas production is the highest it’s been in decades. We have seen increases in coal production and coal employment.” Good stuff, but it’s not all about this old school way. We have to look for cleaner energy for the future – wind, solar, biofuels. Romney here is so old school he wants the oil companies to write their own energy policies. Other countries are investing in clean energy. I don’t want us to be left behind.

Romney
Gas prices are at an all time high because tree hugger over here wanted to save a couple dozen birds in North Dakota. He is no “Mr. Oil, or Mr. Gas, or Mr. Coal.” That’s me! Screw all this clean energy mumbo jumbo. I will get as much oil flowing here to fill your Escalades at $1.00/gallon.

Mr. President, let me just see if I can move you to the gist of this question, which is, are we looking at the new normal? I can tell you that tomorrow morning, a lot of people in Hempstead will wake up and fill up and they will find that the price of gas is over $4 a gallon. Is it within the purview of the government to bring those prices down, or are we looking at the new normal?

Obama
Dude’s lying again. We’ve opened up more public lands for drilling than even the real oil man, George W. Bush. Romney says he’s Mr. Coal, but when he was governor, he was happy to shut down a coal mine. He actually said, “this plant kills.” Unlike flip flopper over here, I’ve actually tried to stay consistent. I think that word scares him.

Romney
You cut permits and licenses on federal land and federal waters in half. How much did you cut them by?

Obama
Oil companies had leases on government land and could do whatever they wanted, including sitting on them for 20 years. We took them back and relet them for profit. Production is up.

Romney
No it’s down. And everyone knows it. And because of it, they tell me gas is at $4/gallon, and it used to be $1.80/gallon. That must suck for you all. I don’t know. My driver takes care of the gas.

Mr. President, could you address, because we did finally get to gas prices here, could you address what the governor said, which is if your energy policy was working, the price of gasoline would not be $4 a gallon here. Is that true?

Obama
Gas prices were low back then because we were on the verge of collapse. Sure he can probably bring those prices back but we’ll be on the edge again. Look, I’m cool with oil production. What I’m not cool with is ignoring the other part of the equation like wind and solar. There are wind companies in Iowa and Colorado that have very real jobs. Romney thinks its mumbo jumbo and opposes it. Even though Republicans in those states support it and get those companies tax credits.

I got to move you on. I’m going to give you a chance here. I promise you, I’m going to. We’re going to move you both along to taxes over here and all these folks that have been waiting.

Romney
I don’t care how this process works. I’m not letting him have the last word. Your little rules don’t apply to me, missy.

Governor Romney, you have stated that if you’re elected president, you would plan to reduce the tax rates for all the tax brackets and that you would work with the Congress to eliminate some deductions in order to make up for the loss in revenue. Concerning the — these various deductions, the mortgage deductions, the charitable deductions, the child tax credit and also…the education credits, which are important to me, because I have children in college. What would be your position on those things, which are important to the middle class?

Romney
Everyone will get tax deductions! This is how we’ll do it. Pick a number. Let’s say $25K. That’s how much you get in deductions and credits. It can be child, mortgage, etc. And you know your rate will go down another way. You won’t get taxed on interest, dividends, or capital gains? Wait, you don’t have stocks, bonds, or other investments to sell? You’ll still be OK in other ways. Don’t worry you’ll be fine. Trust me.

Obama
Mine is simple. Cut taxes for middle income families. Did that. For those making >250K, they go back to the tax rate they had when Clinton was president. Romney said on 60 minutes that he thinks it’s fair that he pays a lower tax rate than a secretary. He’s all about trickle down economics, and we know how far that trickled down.

Romney
I swear to God I’m not cutting taxes for the wealthy. It’s about jobs. I know how to create them because I’ve been in the private sector. Jobs are going away because of this loser. They’ll come back with me because I’m a winner.

Governor, let me ask the president something about what you just said. The governor says that he is not going to allow the top 5 percent, believe is what he said, to have a tax cut, that it will all even out, that what he wants to do is give that tax cut to the middle class. Settled?

Obama
Oh hell no it isn’t settled. He said that he’s going to cut all these taxes and pay for it by closing loopholes and deductions. But he doesn’t tell you what loopholes and deductions. If someone says they want to spend all this money and will pay for it after, but won’t tell you how, it’s sketchy. The numbers don’t add up. Don’t take that “sketchy deal.”

Romney
Of course the numbers add up. Because I was successful before. And instead of showing exactly how the numbers add up, I’ll talk about how he’s screwed up by doubling the deficit.

In what new ways to you intend to rectify the inequalities in the workplace, specifically regarding females making only 72 percent of what their male counterparts earn?

Obama
I was raised by a single mom. My grandmother worked her way up from being a secretary to becoming VP of a bank, but she hit that glass ceiling. That’s why the first bill I signed was the Lily Ledbetter bill. She was doing the same job as the men and getting paid less. The Supreme Court said she couldn’t file suit because she should have found out earlier. Even though there was no way to find out earlier. We fixed all that.

Governor Romney, pay equity for women?

Romney
When I became governor, I wanted to make sure there were enough women in my cabinet to make me look good. But all the candidates were men. These really pushy feminist groups sent us “binders full of women.” Kinda like a mail order bride catalog, but with resumes instead of pictures. Great timing! And we had the pick of the litter! We hired some of them, and my staff had the most women in senior leadership positions. Score one for the ladies’ man!

Governor Romney, I am an undecided voter, because I’m disappointed with the lack of progress I’ve seen in the last four years. However, I do attribute much of America’s economic and international problems to the failings and missteps of the Bush administration. Since both you and President Bush are Republicans, I fear a return to the policies of those years should you win this election. What is the biggest difference between you and George W. Bush, and how do you differentiate yourself from George W. Bush?

Romney
We’re different people. And it’s my five point plan that makes me so different from him. Since I’ve talked about this five point plan ad nauseum, you should know it by now.

Obama
Actually in some ways, Dubya was better. He didn’t talk about turning Medicare into a voucher program. He was for immigration reform. And he didn’t want to cut funding for Planned Parenthood. You’re actually worse than the worst president ever.

Mr. President, I voted for you in 2008. What have you done or accomplished to earn my vote in 2012? I’m not that optimistic as I was in 2012. Most things I need for everyday living are very expensive.

Obama
The last four years have been tough as hell. I still was able to get tax cuts for the middle class and small businesses. We’re ending the wars. Dodd-Frank is taking care of the Wall Street bad guys, and we saved the auto industry from the brink of collapse. But I get it – you’re still struggling. My plan will make a difference. Bottom line, the commitments I’ve made, I’ve kept. The ones that I haven’t, it wasn’t because I didn’t try, and we are going to do it in the second term. Romney has made commitments, and I’m sure he’ll keep them. To cut taxes for the wealthy, defund Planned Parenthood, repeal Obamacare.

Romney
Please. You know it sucks, and you know what to expect if he has another 4 years. More sucking. “This is a president who has not been able to do what he said he’d do.” He’s a great speaker, but that’s about it. We can’t have four more years of this guy.

Mr. Romney, what do you plan on doing with immigrants without their green cards that are currently living here as productive members of society?

Romney
We’re a nation of immigrants. My dad was born in Mexico of American parents. Saying that makes me Latino. I want to make it easier to go through the process. No amnesty, and E-Verify will cure all of America’s illegal immigration ills. Oh and Obama sucks because he said he would fix illegal immigration but didn’t. Let me see him answer that.

Obama
“I’ve done everything that I can on my own and sought cooperation from Congress to make sure that we fix the system.” We’ve streamlined the process of legal immigration, and put more into border patrol. The flow of undocumented workers has been the lowest in 40 years. For the ones that are already here illegally, we are going after the criminals first. Those that were brought here by their parents and this is all they know? We’ll give them a pathway to citizenship. During the primary, Romney said he would veto the DREAM act. His answer for everything was “self-deportation,” which is essentially making life so miserable that they leave. How? Racial profiling through that Arizona law. He loves that law and said it is the model for the nation.

Romney
I did not! I liked the E-Verify part of it. And why didn’t you file legislation to fix immigration? You still haven’t answered the question. Self deportation is about giving them a choice to leave. If it sucks enough here, they’ll leave. But I’m not going to round up people. Oh and another thing. About those Chinese investments you talked about? We’re going to hash it out now.

Obama
Candy?

Romney
Shut it. I’m speaking. “Any investments I have over the last eight years have been managed by a blind trust. And I understand they do include investments outside the United States, including in — in Chinese companies. Mr. President, have you looked at your pension? Have you looked at your pension? Mr. President, have you looked at your pension?

Obama
Damn, you’re irritating as hell. “You know, I don’t look at my pension. It’s not as big as yours so it doesn’t take as long.”

This question actually comes from a brain trust of my friends at Global Telecom Supply in Minneola yesterday. We were sitting around, talking about Libya, and we were reading and became aware of reports that the State Department refused extra security for our embassy in Benghazi, Libya, prior to the attacks that killed four Americans. Who was it that denied enhanced security and why?

Obama
When this happened, I gave my security team three instructions. Beef up security, not just in Libya but every consulate and embassy in the region. 2). Investigate what happened, no matter where the facts lead us 3). Find out who did this and hunt them down. Amateur extraordinaire here, while it was still going down, issues a press release trying to score political points.

Romney
The administration said it was all about a video people were demonstrating against and that it wasn’t a terrorist attack. But it turned out to be a terrorist attack. The part I found most troubling was that on the day after it happened, Obama jets off to a fundraiser in Vegas and the next day to Colorado. He’s all about apologizing and leading from behind.

Because we’re closing in, I want to still get a lot of people in. I want to ask you something, Mr. President, and then have the governor just quickly. Your secretary of state, as I’m sure you know, has said that she takes full responsibility for the attack on the diplomatic mission in Benghazi. Does the buck stop with your secretary of state as far as what went on here?

Obama
Secretary Clinton is doing a great job, but because I’m the President, the buck stops with me. I’m ultimately responsible. “And the suggestion that anybody in my team, whether the Secretary of State, our U.N. Ambassador, anybody on my team would play politics or mislead when we’ve lost four of our own, governor, is offensive. That’s not what we do. That’s not what I do as President, that’s not what I do as Commander in Chief.” Since I can’t physically spank you, I gave you a verbal spanking. And yes, you look as small as you feel.

Romney
In the Rose Garden, you said it was an act of terror. Not a spontaneous demonstration. I want this on the record.

Obama
Candy, pull up the transcript.

He did call it an act of terror.

Romney
Oh. Well, whatever. He still sucks.

President Obama, during the Democratic National Convention in 2008, you stated you wanted to keep AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. What has your administration done or planned to do to limit the availability of assault weapons?

Obama
We have to enforce the laws we already have, keeping guns out of the hands of criminals and the mentally ill. We really have to get involved at the community level, “making sure we catch violent impulses before they occur.”

Romney
Two-parent families will solve gun violence because if you have a mom and a dad, it’s less likely you’ll be poor. Or something like that. But I really want to use this opportunity to talk about this administration’s Fast and Furious operation. How did AK-47s end up in the hands of Mexican drug lords?

Governor, if I could, the question was about these assault weapons that once were once banned and are no longer banned. I know that you signed an assault weapons ban when you were in Massachusetts, obviously, with this question, you no longer do support that. Why is that, given the kind of violence that we see sometimes with these mass killings? Why is it that you have changed your mind?

Romney
Well the pro and anti gun people got together and created this bill. Together, we were able to pass it. Unlike the in Washington where the gridlock isn’t just on the Beltway.

Obama
Please. We all know he changed his mind because he needed the NRA’s endorsement.

The outsourcing of American jobs overseas has taken a toll on our economy. What plans do you have to put back and keep jobs here in the United States?

Romney
I’ll call China a currency manipulator, lower corporate taxes, get rid of all these regulations and Obamacare.

Obama
I agree we should lower corporate taxes. Some jobs will never come back because they’re low wage, low skill jobs. “I want high wage, high skill jobs” so I’ll invest in advanced manufacturing.

Hi, Governor. I think this is a tough question. To each of you. What do you believe is the biggest misperception that the American people have about you as a man and a candidate? Using specific examples, can you take this opportunity to debunk that misperception and set us straight?

Romney
I really do care about 100% of the people even though that nasty little video got leaked. The passion I have comes from my belief in God. I know what it takes to get America working again. I’m really not a mash up of Thurston Howell, III, Mr. Burns, and Scrooge. I’m much, much worse.

Obama
I really believe in the free enterprise system. And that self-reliance and individual initiative are positive attributes. I believe that Romney is a good guy, but what he said behind closed doors about the 47% being victims and not taking personal responsibility? Remember who he’s talking about. Seniors on social security, disabled veterans, students, people who work hard every day. I want to fight for them. When they succeed, our country succeeds.