1. Anti-Christian bigotry! It’s bigger than two chicks wanting to get hitched.
2. “Obama’s desperate attempt to create a radical European social model is sincere.” Dang the audience loves me. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
3. If I weren’t here, I’d be watching the college basketball championships. Oh oops. Football. You caught me. I’d really be holding Callista’s purse at Tiffany’s.
1. A gay couple’s relationship doesn’t affect my marriage one bit. Stay with me, social conservatives. No to gay marriage, yes to civil unions.
2. Simpson Bowles! Eliminate the loopholes. But not all of them. I got your back, big business.
3. I just called Romney a douchebag in Mandarin.
1. Nice comment on the bell, junior. Still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a big government spender and lobbyist lover.
2. Ugh those newsletters again! I didn’t write that racist crap. Since we’re on the subject, black people get the shaft in the justice system. Maybe that will get me a few of their votes.
2. Ping pong is the cornerstone of my foreign policy. Rescuing Iranians from pirates and stopping sanctions will bring world peace.
1. You just witnessed a brawl between Ron and Rick. They’re what’s wrong with government. And neither have good hair.
2. My vision is O-I-L, but you knew that.
3. Back to Iraq, soldiers. It would be your 7th tour? Suck it up, son.
1. CEOs aren’t managers. If you weren’t a career politician, you’d know that managers are under me. I mean CEOs.
2. Quit badgering me on the contraception thing, Stephanopoulos. I’m this close to saying that I’m sad it didn’t work for your parents.
2. China sucks. They lie, cheat, and steal, but make really good dumplings.
1. Don’t ever question my Conservatism, old man. I can arrange a permanent tour of a coal mine.
2. I hate Iran so much. I want to choke Ahmadinejad with my own hands.
3. There is no such thing as the middle class. And the sky is green, I swear.