The CNBC GOP Debate: As Crazy as Jim Cramer

I sat through 90 minutes of mind-numbingly repetitive GOP talking points and an irritating scrolling stock ticker. That’s the type of sacrifice I make for the people I love. Enjoy! 😛

Michele Bachmann
1. Everyone can sacrifice a couple Happy Meals for the good of the country. Even the ones who have budgeted down to the penny and can’t afford a couple Happy Meals.
2. Dodd Frank. I will not rest until they die. The act, I mean.
3. Payroll tax cuts should expire. The working and middle class don’t need a break. But the top 1% do.

Herman Cain
1. I just called the House Minority Leader, “Princess Pelosi.” Someone please check my brake lines.
2. Every time I say 9-9-9, the scandal dies a little.
3. The problem with Dodd Frank? Dodd and Frank. Man, I’m good. Listen to that applause.

Newt Gingrich
1. Ya damn skippy I took money from Freddie Mac! It’s called consulting. Have you seen Callista’s Tiffany bill?
2. I still hate the media. You suck because you don’t tell people how the economy works. Even though it’s not your job.
3. 30 seconds to answer your stupid ass question? Don’t get snippy with me, young lady, or I’ll beat you with an iron lung.

Jon Huntsman
1. I’m lonely over here. Ask me something.
2. Our relationship with China is complicated. I don’t want a trade war like trigger happy Romney over there.
3. I realize fixing the economy is not as simple as everyone says it is. I’m the one who is making sense, but no one pays attention to me. I need a sex scandal.

Ron Paul
1. The government sucks! The free market rules! Ya get it now? If you haven’t, you probably had an education post- Department of Education.
2. We can fix health care by instituting medical savings accounts. Pre-tax income deduction. Don’t have an income? That’s the breaks, kid.
3. Department of Education? Gone. Federal student loans? Gone. Higher education might be more inaccessible to the poor. That’s the breaks, kid.

Rick Perry
1. Oil and a flag that says “Open for Business Again.” That’s my economic solution. And that flat tax thingy.
2. I want to slash and burn the Department of Education, Commerce, and um, um…crap. I don’t remember. Ron help me out here. The EPA? No that’s not it. Maybe keeping the Department of Education would be a good idea.
3. The Department of Energy! That’s it! How the hell could I have forgotten that considering my whole economic plan is based on oil? Ugh, nice going Goodhair.

Mitt Romney
1. Let every home foreclose. Thus saieth Joseph Smith.
2. Obama sucks. He cares more about his re-election than working on the economy. What jobs bill?
3. I hate everything Chinese. Even those tasty egg rolls. Bunch of currency-manipulating, intellectual property-stealing cheats.

Rick Santorum
1. Why didn’t you ask me about the housing crisis? Hello. I’m still in the race.
2. Let me say, again, that I didn’t support TARP. But a certain three on this panel did. Romney, Cain, Perry *cough* Losers *cough*
3. Partisan politics? Democrats love me. Ask one of them. Not that one.

23 responses to “The CNBC GOP Debate: As Crazy as Jim Cramer

  • lobotero

    As usual an excellent post. I learn that Bachmann sez 2 happy meals cost 10$….Herman Cain is Herman Cain…….Newt is hiding in ambush……Perry is toast……and NOT one of them has a real idea how to create jobs…..

    • dcmartin

      After you add in state tax, city tax, hospitality tax, county tax… in Myrtle Beach, 2 Happy Meals will run you damn close to $10.
      Arggghhhh, I just helped Michele Bachmann lokk like she has a tenth of a clue.
      Somebody shoot me.

  • Snoring Dog Studio

    Wonderful work again, Spinny! Oh, I laughed this morning when I read the news about Perry’s amnesia. It’s spreading from Cain to the other candidates! EEK! Romney is it – Cain is cold, congealed mozzarella. Newt may have shown people he’s got a brain, but he’s also a mean, nasty fella who no one wants to be around other than the eggheads. The others? Pfffft! Cannot for the life of me figure out Huntsman’s strategy of being the noncandidate candidate.

  • lbwoodgate

    I’ll bet Bachman wouldn’t say what she did about Happy Meals if the CEO of McDonald’s was a GOP presidential candidate.

    Nicely done as usual Cheryl.

  • dcmartin

    I knew I could count on your recaps……..that’s why I watched re-runs of NCIS and SUV, guilt- free.

  • Ric

    Don’t think we don’t appreciate your suffering!

    And did you know that McAfee flags your site for engaging in risky behavior?

    I came here anyway, just for the suffering.

  • afrankangle

    I continued my streak of not watching, yet have been hit with the morning wave of the Perry gaffe. Nonetheless, I prefer your analysis than anything I’ve heard so far. Many thanks. … love the Huntsman stuff.

  • Sedate Me

    Is anybody watching this bullshit?

    This is probably the 73rd debate and we’re still almost 2 months away from Iowa Republicans determining a whopping 1% of the delegates. Basically, these Gluebiscuits haven’t even gotten into the starting gate yet. What will this debate and the next 497 do that the previous 73 haven’t? Well, besides boring everyone to tears and wishing it was all over.

    I haven’t watched any of it, yet I’m sick of this crap already…and the actual election is still a YEAR away. No wonder only half of America votes. They are driven away by the content and/or the endless overhype that surrounds it.

  • Hansi

    I could only stand fifteen minutes of it and had to change the channel and watch an old re-run. Hmmm sounds like you watched an old re-run too 🙂
    I am sorry I missed Perry’s fax-pas, gaff, brain fart about that pesky third government agency, whatever it was.

  • beaglezmom

    Wow – Spinny — you deserve a medal for getting through this one.

    Poor Governor Goodhair. When I lived in Texas we were much more worried about what programs he remembered to cut, than which ones he didn’t.

    Herman Cain – ugh. Would someone please tell him this is an election – not a variety show.

  • Steve Jones

    Yeah, Perry sounded like a dummy. What we need if more eloquence like this:

  • Steve Jones

    Oops. What we need “is” more eloquence.

  • Terrance H.

    You’re a glutton for punishment, Spinny. I’d rather watch Springer. At least when you watch that your IQ only drops by 5 points a second, as opposed to the GOP debates where it drops by 10 or more.

    And Rick Perry’s campaign is officially over. He’s toast.

  • nonnie9999

    huntsman missed an opportunity. he should have run over to botox batshit bachmann and molested her right there on the stage (rethug debate audiences love sexual harassers). when marcus ran up on the stage, he could have kicked him in the balls (rethug debate audiences love when a candidate disses a gay guy). when marcus is writhing on the floor of the stage in pain, huntsman could have said some mormon prayers to pray marcus’s gay away until the ambulance arrived. that’s when huntsman could have shouted make sure he has insurance, or let him die!! ((rethug debate audiences love to hear about uninsured people dying). when the moderators ask him what he did, he could have immediately denied doing anything and insisted he never saw botox batshit bachmann before. then he could have named a bunch of women he never manhandled in order to prove that he’s not a serial molester. then he could have invoked the name of st. ronnie a few times, pulled out a concealed handgun or two, and named his 3 favorite wars (forgetting the name of the third one, of course).

    i don’t know why he never called me to be his campaign manager.

  • Comment of the Week « Pass The Doucheys on the Right-Hand Side

    […] of Hysterical Rains ( READ IT!!!!!!), and was posted in response to Spinny Liberal’s AWESOME debate recap (READ IT!!!!!!!): huntsman missed an opportunity. he should have run over to botox batshit bachmann […]

  • The Hook

    You’re the unsung hero of WordPress, my friend!

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