The GOP Debate: Tea Party Style

Let’s get the recurrent theme of all GOP debates – past, present, and future – out of the way. Obama sucks on every real and imaginary level.

The Tea Party made it for a more interesting debate tonight. The gloves came off, and Perry was the punching bag. The highlights:

Michele Bachmann

1. I’m your candidate, people. Not that forcibly vaccinating, illegal alien lover.
2. 2012 is it. If we don’t win the White House, America will cease to exist.
3. I’m bringing the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Bill of Rights to the White House. That’s it. Dangit, I forgot to say the Bible.

Herman Cain

1. 9-9-9 people. It’s unrealistic, but it’s catchy.
2. I’m telling ya, Chile is where it’s at! It’s privatizing social security? Oh no. It’s giving people a “choice.”
3. I’m bringing a sense of humor to the White House. If I can get them to laugh, maybe they won’t notice that I’m screwing them.

Newt Gingrich

1. Fight amongst yourselves, but I created more jobs than all three of you. I have the biggest jimmy.
2. I don’t hate the media today. Just today though.
3. I’m bringing music for Callista and ballet and chess for the grandkids. Oh and Tiffany’s Spring Collection.

John Huntsman

1. We can secure the border with a fence, and we can use Perry’s Mexicans to build it.
2. Utah is hands down the best state in the union. Especially when I was governor.
3. I’m bringing my hog to the White House. I got the Moderate and biker vote now, bitches.

Ron Paul

1. Medicare will be fine. After we get rid of the Department of Education, Energy and all the rest of them.
2. Terrorists don’t hate us for our freedom. It’s the world wide occupation and killing them. Hey, I’m just the messenger, people.
3. I’m bringing a bushel basket full of common sense. If you didn’t think I was that old, I just used the term “bushel basket” to remind you.

Rick Perry

1. I am offended that you think I’m a $5K hooker. $1M is the starting rate.
2. Obamacare was modeled after your plan. The little runt T-Paw was on to something with “Obamneycare.”
3. I’m bringing the prettiest, sweetest first lady ever. I’m getting laid tonight!

Mitt Romney

1. I read your book cover to cover, Goodhair. Game on.
2. You couldn’t beat me at Texas Hold ’em with 4 Aces and being Texan.
3. I’m bringing a bust of Winston Churchill. Is that creepy?

Rick Santorum

1. I don’t care about the “illegal, um Latino vote.”
2. He forced girls to get vaccinated! No, I don’t know what opt-out means.
3. I’m bringing a lot of beds since I have a bushel basket of children.

11 responses to “The GOP Debate: Tea Party Style

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