Crayola Called…

They want green, blue, yellow, orange and red back. According to Yahoo! News and AP, Color-coded Terror Warnings to be Gone by April 27.
It will be replaced by something called The National Terrorism Advisory System. They intend to get specific about the threats and who receives the information. Wow. An actual description of the threat instead of saying Red? Genius.

“The old Bush color-coded system taught Americans to be scared, not prepared,” said Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., the top Democrat on the House Homeland Security Committee. “Each and every time the threat level was raised, very rarely did the public know the reason, how to proceed, or for how long to be on alert.”

Thank you. Since the system began, I don’t think I’ve traveled at a terror level threat below Yellow. On my trip abroad in September, it was at Orange. What did that mean? Hell if I know. I just heard something along the lines of, “The terror threat has been elevated to orange” over the PA. These are just for US airports. They have different ways of announcing the threat all over the world. I should know. I’ve prety much ignored them all.

In the US, specifically, nothing changes but the color. We still have to take off our shoes, get our hands swabbed, and we can’t carry on more than three 3 oz. bottles of liquid. My foundation is a matter of national security, you know.

Sidebar. Now we have to go through those x-ray machines? Um, cop a feel, do what you need to do. It’s not like I haven’t had the pat down before in airports all over the world. I am not going through that radiation refrigerator.

Anyway, thank God this lame system is going away with something more useful. Comedians did get a lot of material out of this color-coded system. One of my favorite comedians, Lewis Black, had this to say:

“Homeland security is a problem. It’s a good idea, but it’s a problem because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge, and he is someone who has the leadership qualities of a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with is known as the color coded system of security. You know, orange, and yellow, and what ever the f*ck the others are. And what’s stupid about it is they have the color coding. LIKE WE’RE IN F*CKIN’ ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! There’s no need for that. Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to f*ckin’ explain it, so get rid of the f*ckin’ color! Simplify it. There should be three levels of security: ‘Jesus Christ,’ ‘God Damn It!,’ ‘F*CK ME!'”

Be gone old, useless system. Orange will return to being beautiful. No longer will it be associated with High Risk.

4 responses to “Crayola Called…

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